


Conversations

by Selenay



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-06-15
Updated: 2002-06-15
Packaged: 2017-12-15 01:56:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 14,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/843960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selenay/pseuds/Selenay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of conversations explores the relationship of Buffy and Willow. Can friendship turn into passion?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> College has broken up for the summer and a series of conversations could change a friendship forever.

"Hi."

"H-hi."

There was a long uncomfortable silence.

"Can I . . .?"

"Oh, yeah, sure."

Tara stepped back from the door and allowed Buffy inside.

"Nice room," Buffy complimented nervously.

"Uh, thanks."

The two girls stood awkwardly in the centre of the room for a moment before Tara gestured to a chair and sat down on the bed with her legs crossed under her. Again there was a long, awkward silence as Buffy looked around, avoiding Tara's eyes, and Tara alternated between looking at Buffy nervously and picking at her shirtsleeve.

"So," Buffy began after a while, and indicated the open suitcase on the floor, "are you going away for the summer?"

"J-just to see my folks. I'll be back before college starts."

"That'll be nice," Buffy commented and began to nervously twist the handle of her bag around her fingers.

"Uh, Buffy, not to be rude or anything . . . but . . . what did you want? I-I assume you're here for a reason," Tara asked.

"I'm not really sure," the Slayer replied, trying to put her nebulous thoughts into words. "I guess I'm here because of Willow. Things have been pretty crazy for the past few months so I haven't had a chance to really talk to you. I just wanted to . . ."

"Find out if I'm good enough for her?" Tara offered with a self-deprecating smile.

"That's not the way I've have put it," Buffy said with an answering smile, "but . . . yeah. I didn't know you two were that close and then, well, Willow surprised me with the whole 'you and her' thing so I want to find out about you."

Tara looked closely at Buffy, the look much more intent than her usual shy glances, and replied, "There's not really that much to tell. I'm just . . . me."

"I suppose what I'm actually asking is, do you really love her?"

"I don't think anyone who meets Willow could avoid falling a little in love with her."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she's Willow . . . a-and she's . . . Willow," Tara tried to explain. "It would be hard not to fall in love with her."

An image of her redheaded friend's gently smiling face flashed through Buffy's mind and she was unaware that she smiled softly and murmured, "Yeah."

Tara's eyes showed a brief spark of pain but that was quickly masked. "How long have you been in love with her?" she asked quietly.

There was a moment of shocked silence before Buffy replied, "I'm not in love with her! What would make you think I feel that way? I am completely not in love with her. She's my best friend and I'd never break that trust. We're totally platonic. There's nothing going on. She's . . . she's like a sister to me. Why would you think I'm in love with her? Not that I am. Of course."

There was another silence as Buffy ran out of steam and tried to get her confused thoughts to stop whirling around her head. After a moment she calmly stated, "I am not in love with Willow."

Sensing how upset Buffy was Tara changed tactics. "Willow's always talking about you, y'know. 'Buffy this', 'Buffy said that' - she really cares for you. If I were that type, I'd feel jealous."

"Oh." Buffy could not think of anything to say to that.

"But Willow would never do anything to hurt you or make you uncomfortable," the blonde witch continued. "And she loves me, although I know which of us she'd chose if she ever had to."

"Oh." Still nothing intelligent came to Buffy's mind.

"I love her and I want her to be happy no matter who it's with. Obviously I'd prefer it to be me, but I can't make her decisions for her."

"I can see that," Buffy said quietly.

"I'd better finish packing," Tara announced, standing.

Buffy stood as well. "I'd better go. You have packing . . . and so do I and . . . stuff."

Tara walked to the door but did not open it, instead turning to face the blonde Slayer. "You will look after Willow while I'm gone, won't you? Make sure she doesn't get l-lonely. Maybe . . . talk to her? She missed you this year."

"I will," Buffy promised, not entirely certain what she had just promised to do.

"G-good," Tara said with a shy smile, although there was pain in her eyes that Buffy shied away from. "Maybe I'll see you next year."

As the door closed behind her Buffy reflected that while their conversation had not gone the way she had planned, she felt somehow . . . lighter now.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Hey."

Riley moved back from the door and beckoned Buffy in. She looked around the nearly bare room as she entered, noting the packing cases in the corners and the half-open suitcase on the bare bed. It seemed she was always walking in on people packing today. The frat-house that had housed the Initiative was closing now the military had withdrawn from Sunnydale and all the former soldiers, the ones that survived Adam's war anyway, were moving out to other bases. The Gang had made a foray earlier and found the underground base stripped bare and abandoned, the scorch marks from the battle the only proof that anything had ever happened there. Riley appeared to be one of the last to move out of the house. Seeing him so ready to move out sent a pang of guilt, quickly suppressed, through Buffy along with a wash of sadness.

"So . . . you're packed?" Buffy asked with false cheerfulness. "'Cos, packing is good. Everyone's doing it right now."

"Almost," Riley answered. "I seem to have a lot more here than I moved in with."

"It happens to everyone. I was sure I only had three cases when I arrived, but now my three cases barely fit all my Slaying stuff. I don't know where I'll put it when I get home."

"I didn't start with much so I have no idea where it all came from."

"Right. Soldiers travel light," Buffy said, forcing a smile.

"Something like that."

They stood looking at each other awkwardly for a while, neither knowing what they wanted to say or how to say it if they could.

Eventually Buffy asked, "Where will you go?"

Riley avoided her eyes. "To my parents farm in Iowa. I need some time to think things through - decide where my life is going. So much has changed in a short time . . . I'm not sure who I am anymore."

"When will you be back?" Buffy asked, her voice cracking on the last word as a stab of pain shot through her heart.

"Maybe in a few weeks . . . I don't know. Right now, Sunnydale isn't a place I can think in. If I stayed here I'd get caught up in your next catastrophe, and then the next, and I'd never have time to think about it."

"Thinking isn't all it's cracked up to be," the blonde Slayer protested.

Riley moved closer to her and rested his hands on her shoulders. "Buffy, I'm not like you. I can't just have my whole life change over night on me and be able to deal with it. You . . . you're the Slayer and you're used to this stuff. I'm not sure who the bad guys are anymore and what I'm fighting for."

"You're fighting for the same stuff I'm fighting for! You're fighting to stop the darkness taking over."

"It's easy for you. I didn't know that any of this existed until I was assigned here, and then I was taught to believe that the monsters . . . the demons you fight . . . are just animals. That we should recondition them all or exterminate them. That there was nothing out there beyond what we could see and our guns would solve everything. Then I found out that I was wrong. There are degrees of evil . . . hell, there are non-evil demons! And there's magic . . . what you did to defeat Adam . . . all of this is way out of my league. I'm just a soldier."

"Not anymore," Buffy reminded him.

"Without that, I don't know who I am and what I should be doing. I need to spend some time away from all of this to work things through."

"You have to go all the way to Iowa?"

"It's my home. I can think there."

"Oh." Buffy looked up to him. "I'll miss you."

"And I'll miss you."

He briefly kissed her and then firmly put her out of arm's reach. "I'll call you when I get there."

"That's it?"

There were tears running down Buffy's face but she wasn't sure whether it was sadness at Riley leaving, or guilt because she felt a faint sense of relief at his leaving.

"Hey don't cry," Riley begged and moved over to her again. He softly brushed away the tears with his fingers and kissed her mouth. "I'll be back before you know it."

Buffy nodded shakily.

"Do you promise to stop the world trying end before I get back?" Riley asked, trying to make her smile again.

"I'll try."

"Good." Riley enfolded her in a bear hug and held her tightly for a moment before releasing her. "Take care. I love you."

"Love you too," Buffy said quietly and moved to the door. "You will call, won't you?"

"Absolutely."

Strangely, she walked down the corridor and out of the frat-house Buffy felt a small well of happiness build up inside her. She should have been heartbroken that he was going, missing him already, but instead all she felt was a vague at her lack of heartbreak and this bubbling excitement inside. It was as though a weight had lifted from her shoulders and she was free - free to do what she wanted and free to pursue whatever dreams she had. She just had to work out what those dreams were.


	3. Chapter 3

Buffy heard the muffled sound of the telephone ringing and look wildly around the room. Piles of clothes, books, CDs, more clothes, shoes, more clothes, stakes and crossbows, even more clothes, suitcases, posters and yet more clothes littered the room. And somewhere there was the cordless phone. After a couple of minutes of searching and flying clothes she managed to locate the missing phone.

"Hello?" she said breathlessly.

"Hi Buff!" Willow's cheerful voice rang down the line. "How are you? You sound kind of breathless - is everything ok?"

"Yeah. I just had a fight with the never ending junk mountains to find the telephone. How did all this stuff fit into our dorm?"

"I don't know. I think unpacking is worse than packing. I actually have to find places to put all this."

"Actually, I didn't intend to unpack. I was trying to find my black halter-neck - the unpacking is just a side-effect."

"Didn't you put the halter-neck in the blue bag? I thought you did, but then I was so busy packing I could have . . . Buffy? Are you still there?"

Buffy, phone wedged firmly between her cheek and shoulder, was trying to dig the blue bag out from under a pile of coats. "Yeah Will, I'm still here I'm just . . . gotcha! Thanks, you are the best."

"I know," the redheaded witch said cheerfully.

"How did you know where I put it? I just spent the past hour looking."

"I, uh, have a really good memory? And-and you were putting it there when I was calling Xander and I kinda saw and . . . did you know it's - oww!"

Buffy's faint smile turned into a look of alarm. "Will? Are you ok? You're not hurt, are you? What happened? Say something!"

There was a fumbling sound on the other end of the line and then Willow's voice returned. "I'm fine. I just hit my elbow on the cupboard. It doesn't even hurt . . . much."

"Are you sure?"

"Buff, it's a little bruised but it'll be fine. I've had worse in tickle fights with Xander, not that he hurt me because he didn't, he just accidentally knocked me down the stairs once and . . . where was I?"

"I'm not sure," Buffy replied, not entirely convinced of Willow's fineness and fighting the desire to go straight over and make sure she really was fine.

"Neither am I."

The blonde Slayer could imagine Willow's confused look perfectly. "You called about something. Not that I'm not glad to hear from you, because I am, and not that I didn't miss you, because I did, but it's only been three hours since we left the dorm."

"I don't know. I just . . . it's been so long since I was in a house on my own, you know?"

"Not really." Buffy could hear Joyce clattering around downstairs. "Are your parents not there?"

"They said something about a summer conference in Munich so it's just me. All on my lonesome."

Although Willow was putting on a brave voice Buffy could hear the disappointment in her friend's voice. "I have an idea."

"Uh oh."

"No, no, this is a good idea. I've done enough unpacking today. How about we have a sleep-over at your house."

There was silence for a moment and then Willow's excited voice said, "Yeah, that sounds like a great idea! We could invite the whole Gang - make it kind of an end of term, 'we defeated the bad guys' party - only without the disturbing First Slayer dreams."

"The whole Gang . . . that sounds, uh, fun," Buffy said, trying to keep the vague disappointment she now felt out of her voice.

"So we're set?"

"Yeah." This time the happiness in her voice was much more convincing. "Yeah, we're set. I'll round up Giles and some food, you can get Xander to bring some videos and more food and we'll make a night of it."

"Thanks Buffy, I feel much better. Less lonesome. You're the best, you know that?"

"I've heard it said," the Slayer grinned. 

"And modest too," Willow teased. "See you in a while?"

"Yeah."

As she began hunting for some sleep wear and her wash bag in the jumble of belongings a smile remained on her face. It may not be just her and Willow, but she had managed to put a smile back onto the redheaded witch's face and that was all that really mattered.

A few miles away the redhead who occupied so many of her friend's thoughts put the phone down and muttered "Yay!"

A vague, indefinable happiness and excitement was now lodged in her heart that she did not even bother to try to examine. It just felt too darn good to want to spoil it with unneeded analysis, so instead she hummed to herself as she began gathering together quilts, sleeping bags and pillows in the main room.


	4. Chapter 4

"Will? Are you still awake?"

"No, I'm asleep. I always sleep with my eyes open. It's a Jewish thing."

"And you talk in your sleep too?"

"Uh huh. That's a witch thing."

"Does it ever feel weird to be a Jewish witch?"

"Sometimes, but not really." There was a rustling sound as Willow turned in her sleeping bag to face her friend. "Do you always want to have deep and meaningfuls in the middle of the night?"

"It's a Slayer thing."

There was a moment of quiet, companionable silence before Willow whispered, "Can't you sleep?"

"I'm probably still to wound up from the end of college. It was kind of insane."

"Well, it was different that's for sure. I'd totally forgotten about my exams and I sort of . . . freaked. I can't believe that I, of all people, forgot to revise for my exams. It was like being in a nightmare, only it was real."

"Will, you're the only person I know that finds academic failure more terrifying than the Apocalypse."

"Is that a good thing?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"How much you help your poor, academically challenged best friend."

"Buffy, you're not stupid. You just . . . had a lot on your mind. Again. Do you think the demons plan it that they'll have their major world-ending attempt just before finals each year?"

"Yeah, why can't they do it at a more convenient time? Like during summer break. Or maybe at the beginning of the year when the teachers aren't so worried about grades."

"They're inconsiderate that way," Willow said with a grin. "Do you want some hot chocolate?"

Buffy thought for a moment, trying to conjure up some semblance of sleepiness, but then she gave in. Willow wriggled out of her sleeping bag and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, trying to pretend she was not watching as Buffy wrapped herself in her quilt.

Several minutes later the two girls were sitting down at the kitchen table with the door shut so they would not disturb the rest of the sleepers. Some cookies and a toasted cheese sandwich had joined the hot chocolate, despite the amount of popcorn they had both consumed earlier in the evening, and neither of them wanted to go to sleep.

"So, are you missing Riley?" Willow asked and took a sip of chocolate.

"Kind of, I guess," Buffy answered uncertainly.

"That's not the sound of a lonely, miserable-without-Riley Buffy. What's the matter?"

"Nothing's the matter. I'm just not missing him as much as I thought I would. After everything I put you all through - especially you - I thought I'd feel dreadful if he left but I don't."

"Maybe you're in shock."

"I don't think so. I mean, when Angel left I was a wreck."

"I remember. But maybe it's because you know Riley's going to be back."

"I'm not sure if he will. So much has changed for him and I don't think he knows how to handle it." Buffy sighed. "He needs time to think which is guy speech for 'I don't want to be with you anymore but I don't know how to tell you'."

"Not necessarily. Some guys want time to think and they just . . . think and come back."

"You didn't see the way he was acting when he left."

"You sound like you're . . . well, like you're trying to convince yourself he's gone forever."

"Maybe I am. If I accept it now, maybe it won't hurt so much later."

Willow was silent as she munched on a cookie.

"Anyway, I thought this whole thing was too keep you from being lonely, not a Buffy mopefest. I can have those any day." Buffy snagged a cookie and broke it in half. "What do you want to do this summer?"

"Well, I've got an assignment to research for history and . . . oh, you mean non-college stuff. I'm not sure yet. I guess I'm waiting to see what big evil we have to fight before I decide."

"I think things'll be pretty quiet this summer. Between Adam and the Initiative the demon population of Sunnydale is a little low now. I've only dusted three vamps since we destroyed Adam."

Willow grinned at Buffy. "Getting a little restless?"

"No . . . maybe . . . a little. I'm just afraid I'll lose my edge if I don't get challenged."

"You could always take up training with Giles again," Willow suggested. "I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

"You think?"

"I think he'd be delighted."

Buffy thought for a moment and made her decision. "I'll ask him tomorrow."

"Good."

"Did your parents say when they'd be back?"

"Maybe September," Willow said carefully. "They aren't sure how long the conference will last."

Buffy could see the strain in her friend's smile. "I'm sorry Will."

"Don't be. It would feel weird if they were here. It's bad enough that I feel weird here."

The blonde Slayer thought for a moment and then said, "I think we all need to cut loose this summer. How does three months of picnicking, sunbathing, shopping, Bronzing and having water fights sound?"

"Like fun," Willow said eagerly.

"That's what I thought. The Scooby Gang is back together, more or less, so we need to do Scoobyish activities."

"Investigating haunted houses?" the redheaded witch asked and scrunched up her nose.

Buffy very firmly told her hands not to move over and touch that familiar expression. "No, **our** type of Scooby activities. No hauntings, just fun, and the occasional Slaying if necessary."

"Sounds like a plan. A good plan. I'm in, although I'm not sure Xander and Giles will appreciate the shopping part."

"The shopping can be a girls only activity."

"Can we just, say, accidentally forget to mention it to Anya? Not that I don't like her, but she's a little . . ."

"Blunt?"

"I was going for annoying but blunt will do."

The Slayer watched as Willow wrapped her hands tightly around the cooling mug of chocolate and realised with a start that her friend was shivering. "Are you cold?"

"Not very," Willow said, although the effect was spoilt somewhat when her teeth began chattering.

"Come on," Buffy instructed and she grabbed her friend's hand. A warm tingle spread up Buffy's arm at the contact even though Willow's fingers felt like ice.

"Where are we going?" the redhead whispered, trying to keep her blanket out of the way of her feet as she was pulled out of the kitchen and back into the lounge.

Giles' long figure could be seen outlined on the longer couch in the living room and Anya and Xander were curled up together on a pile of pillows. The other, shorter couch had been pushed back against the wall to give them all space earlier and this was where Buffy now led her friend. A gentle push forced Willow to flop down onto the cushions and she had to stifle her giggles. Then her giggling stopped as Buffy sat down beside her and beckoned her to lie down. It took a while before the Slayer was satisfied that her friend was safely wrapped up warm again and although it was a wide couch the two girls were pushed together closely. The quilt and blanket enclosed them in a comfortable warm cocoon and they were both acutely aware of each other's proximity, and both equally determined not to let the other know.

"There. Are you warmer now?" Buffy whispered.

"Oh yeah."

"Think you can sleep?"

"Uh . . ."

"Good. G'night."

"G'night Buffy."


	5. Chapter 5

"Don't they look cute?"

"Ahn, they're asleep. They always look cute asleep."

"No, I mean don't they look cute like that? All curled up together. It's kind of sweet."

"Er, sweet?"

"Yeah, sweet. The don't normally get to do that."

"Do what . . . oh no, they aren't . . . I know Willow . . . but Buffy . . ."

"Ssh, Xander, you'll wake them up."

"But-but . . ."

"But what? They love each other and I have no idea why they aren't . . . are you ok? You look sort of red."

"They . . . but . . . they . . ."

"Do you want some water? People in shock always need water."

"But-but . . ."

"Is this a male thing?"

"Uh huh."

"I know men find the idea of two women together exciting."

"You do?"

"Yes. Men are either turned on or disgusted. It's what always happens."

"But they're . . ."

"Xander, I've been avenging women for over a thousand years. I think I know how men think about these things."

"Yeah, but-"

"And they're sweet together. You have to admit that they're sweet together."

"I don't have to admit any such thing. Anya, let's go into the kitchen before they wake up."

"Why?"

"So they don't have to listen to your theories. They'd probably both be embarrassed that we - that you - thought about this."

"You're embarrassed by it."

"No, I just have a healthy respect for my limbs and I don't want Buffy or Willow to wake up and hear us."

"OK. But you owe me."

"I'll make it up to you. Later."

***

"Squoosh up a bit," Buffy said as she tried to sit on the end of the bench in their booth.

The Gang had quickly decreed that they would eat breakfast out, after investigation of the cupboards at Willow's house produced a stale box of Cheerios and half a packet of crackers. Xander would have quite happily finished off the pizza from the previous night but Giles, ever practical, had pointed out that three slices would only just feed the teenager and everyone else was hungry. So instead they were all squashed into a booth at one of the small diners in Sunnydale.

Giles and Willow slid a little further up the bench so that the tall Watcher's frame was pushed firmly against the wall and Buffy managed to fit onto the end of the padded bench.

"There, isn't this nice?" the Slayer grinned at the slightly squashed friends.

"Uh huh," Willow nodded vaguely.

Buffy looked at her but said nothing because at that moment the waitress appeared.

"Can I take your order?" the bottle blonde woman asked perkily.

"Yeah, I'll have the All Day Breakfast with extra bacon, waffles, eggs and toast. And a bowl of . . . Frosted Flakes. And a side of hash browns. And some coffee. Do you want something?" Xander asked his girlfriend.

"Xander you are not going to eat all that, are you?" Anya asked worriedly.

"You think I should have got extra sausage?"

"But you'll get fat. I don't want a fat boyfriend."

"Ahn, shut up and order. I'm not going to get fat."

Anya glared at him but dutifully ordered. The waitress then turned to Giles and her smile widened.

"What can I get you, sugar?" she asked, her voice taking on a distinct Southern accent.

Buffy stifled a giggle at the flush that slowly crept up the English man's face and felt a slight vibration along her arm as Willow, still tightly pressed against her side, did the same.

"I-I-I'll have bacon, eggs, s-sausage and some toast, if it wouldn't be too much trouble," Giles stammered. "And a pot of coffee please."

"You're drinking coffee?" Buffy asked incredulously. "You? In the morning?"

"Yes, Buffy, I'm drinking coffee. Are you going to order or just comment on my drinking habits?"

"You are quite the grumpy bear in the mornings. Ok, ok, I'm ordering. I'll have waffles, cereal and juice please."

"Me too," Willow added.

"Comin' up," the waitress said, still far too cheerfully for the morning.

All the food just fitted on the table and Xander attacked his plates with gusto while Anya looked on, and made disparaging comments.

"Ahn," he said finally, "if you can't say something nice, try not to say anything at all, ok?"

"All right. Just don't come crying to me when you die of a heart attack."

"Believe me, I won't."

"Will, could you pass me the syrup?" Buffy asked.

"Hmm?"

"The syrup. Could you pass it down here?"

"Oh, right, syrup." Willow passed the bottle to her friend, her mind still elsewhere.

"Will? Are you ok?" Buffy asked.

"Mmm."

"Earth to Willow, come in Willow," teased the Slayer.

"Huh? Oh, uh, hi. Did you want something?" 

Buffy noted the redness slowly flooding her friend's face. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, just thinking . . . about n-nothing . . . nothing you'd be interested in . . . yeah, just little old me alone in my head. Do you want some syrup?"

"I'm good thanks."

Neither of them noticed the knowing smirk on Anya's face.


	6. Chapter 6

The telephone was ringing when Willow entered her house and she made a dash for it, shouting "Hold on!" as she went.

"Hey," she said breathlessly as she picked up the receiver.

"Hi."

She felt a brief moment of disappointment that it was Tara's voice, and not Buffy's, echoing down the line and then a huge swell of guilt at that thought.

"Hey," she said again, slightly more subdued this time.

"Uh, hi," Tara repeated. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I just . . . just had to run for the phone. How are you?" Willow asked, trying not to sound guilty. There was nothing, really, to feel guilty for, she tried to tell herself. After all, it was only natural that she would miss Buffy. They had lived together for a year so of course she would feel lonely in a big house on her own. It was quite silly to feel disappointed - after all they had spoken a few hours ago so it was unlikely Buffy would be calling already. And the guilt . . . that was also silly and unneeded. The hacker suddenly realised that Tara had asked a question and she had not heard a word of it. "I'm sorry, uh, could you repeat that?"

"Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Nothing to worry about. No siree. I've probably been out in sun too long. It does funny things to the brain sometimes and induces babble. See? I'm babbling."

"You only babble when you're excited or nervous. What's wrong?"

"Nothing! Nothing's wrong."

"Well, that's good." There was a pause and Willow crossed her fingers and hoped Tara believed her. Because there was really nothing wrong, was there? "How's your holiday so far?" the blonde girl finally asked.

"Good. The holiday's good. Of course, it's only been a few days so I can't judge yet, but so far it's good. No big evil so we're hoping for an evil free holiday."

"I'm glad. What have you been doing? Have you spent much time with Buffy?"

"Uh, Buffy? Yeah, and the whole Gang. You know, all of us. We had a sleepover a couple of nights ago, and we hung out at Giles' yesterday. All of us. And we went shopping today, in a nice crowded mall. It's been fun."

"That sounds great. You're having fun."

"Yeah. What are you up to?"

"Oh, you know. Hanging out. I've been reading this really fascinating book on witchcraft in the Middle Ages."

"That sounds interesting." Willow stopped, trying to think of something to say that would not come out as nervous babble.

"You know I l-love you," Tara began hesitantly, "and I don't want you unhappy. You deserve to be with someone you love with all your heart."

"Tara, would I be with you if I didn't love you?"

"I know you love me," Tara said.

Willow was sure there was 'but' there, but she decided not to pursue it for now. "So, uh, we're ok?" she asked instead.

"Y-yes, we're ok."

"Do you know when you're coming back yet?"

"N-no, not yet. I'll know in a few weeks."

"We can go house hunting when you get back."

"Yeah, we can." Willow heard a muffled shout over the phone. "Sorry, I've got to go. I'll talk to you soon."

"Yeah. I love you."

"I know."

The line went dead and Willow stared at the phone thoughtfully for a while before she put it down. 


	7. Chapter 7

"Step aside ladies, leave this to the expert," Xander announced.

Buffy and Willow dutifully stepped to one side to let him examine the device. Giles 'hmmph'ed and continued carefully tracing wires.

"This should be a piece of cake. I just have to pull one of these wires and press a button," the teenager continued.

"Great. So which wire are gonna pull?" Buffy asked. "And when did you become an expert anyway?"

"Let's just say that I've had my own adventures that you aren't even aware of. They don't call me Mr Adventure for nothing you know."

"Who?"

"Huh?"

"Who calls you Mr Adventure?"

"Well, no one yet but I'm . . . look, can we get back to the original subject?"

"Ok. Which wire are you gonna pull?"

Xander looked at the pile of wires and gadgets. "It's either this one . . . or this one. Eeny meeny miny mo . . ."

"Xander stop!" Willow spoke up for the first time since they had entered the underground cavern. "Be sure. I don't want to go kaplooey because you eenyed when you should have meenyed!"

"I've seen this done. I know what I'm doing," Xander protested.

"Willow's right," Buffy added. "I don't want my gravestone to say 'oops' on it. Step away from the bomb."

"But-"

"Now!"

Willow looked at the scary mish-mash of wires, detonators and timers. "Why did the demons plant a bomb anyway? It doesn't make sense. We've been fighting demons for four years and I've never seen them try anything so . . ."

"Normal?" Buffy suggested. "I don't think this is a world ending attempt. I think it's a Buffy-ending attempt as prelude to destroying the world. They probably didn't expect you guys to come along as well. Which is a good thing because if you hadn't I'd really be in trouble."

Now that Xander had been persuaded to the leave the bomb alone he was prowling the outer edges of the cavern they were in, trying to find a way out. "The good new," he told them, "is that no one else will be wandering down here any time soon. The bad news is that door is at least six inches thick. I doubt even Giles can pick the lock."

"Which is exactly why I'm trying to disarm the bomb before it goes off," Giles said testily. "So I would appreciate some peace and quiet. Thank you."

Willow and Buffy dutifully retreated away from the frustrated Watcher and sat down with their back against the rock wall. After a moment Buffy said, "I'll give them credit; locking us in a cave with a bomb is a new way to try and kill me."

"Buffy, we're not going to die. Giles will disarm the bomb and then we'll think of a way to get out of here."

"I know we're not going to die. I'm just feeling a little wigged that the counter says four minutes until we blow up and Giles is still going 'hmm' at the big bomb."

"It'll be ok," Willow tried to reassure her. She put an arm around her friend's shoulder began to soft rub her upper arm in soothing patterns. "Giles is Giles. He can do it."

Buffy tried to think of something besides how nice it was to be held like that and how pleasant the tingles were that spread out from Willow's fingers. "You know, you're right. We've been in much tougher situations and come out alive. Do you remember Malcolm the robot?"

"Oo, what about the fish monsters?"

"Those zombies were pretty bad."

"Remember the time we got locked in the boiler room with the gas on?"

"Ye . . . uh, no." Buffy looked puzzled. "I think I'd remember something like that."

"Oh, sorry, you weren't there. Angel rescued us. I think you were being tortured by Marnie that time."

"Ah, that would explain. I wonder what happened to her?"

"The FBI probably rehabilitated her and she's now a productive member of society again."

"Will, you have been watching too many infomercials again."

They watched as the red numbers on the timer flicked from 2.00 to 1.59, 1.58, 1.57 . . .

"I wish he'd just hurry up," Buffy complained. "That clock is really freaking me out now."

"I'd say something comforting but I've run out," Willow said worriedly.

Buffy kept her eyes on the clock but slid an arm around her friend's waist.

1.03 . . . 1.02 . . . 1.01 . . . 1.00 . . . 0.59 . . .

"Buffy-"

"Willow-"

They spoke together and blushed. Buffy gestured for the redhead to go on and she did not argue - the time was running dangerously low.

"Buffy, you've been my best friend for a long time. I wanted you to know, in case we die before I can tell you, that I-"

"Aha!" Giles shouted in triumph.

Both girls started and looked towards the Watcher, who was standing over the assortment of wires and boxes on the table, proudly holding up a wire. The numbers of the timer had stopped at 0.24 and as they watched the lights on it flickered and died.

"I believe if I use a small amount of the explosive from this I can jury-rig something to open that door," the older man continued oblivious to the quickly masked disappointment on the girls' faces.

"That's, uh, great," Buffy. "What were you saying Will?"

"Oh, nothing important," Willow said, wondering what on earth she had been thinking of a minute ago.

_You know full well what you were thinking a minute ago,_ she told herself angrily, _and that is the best way to ruin a friendship there is. Not to mention the best way to complicate an already overcomplicated life. Think with your head, not your heart,_ she instructed herself.

_What was I hoping she'd say?_ Buffy asked herself as she followed Giles' directions. _I'm not sure what I want so stop putting words into her mouth. She's with Tara and that's it. Isn't it?_


	8. Chapter 8

"Ya! Uff . . . ya! Ya! Uff . . . ow!"

"Do you see what I mean now, Buffy? That kick leaves your side open to my staff."

"You couldn't have told me that without the painful demonstration?"

"I did. Twice."

The secluded meadow echoed again with thwaps and grunts as Buffy sparred with her Watcher. At first Willow had protested against them training outside where anyone could come along and see, but after three weeks of it she was finally accepting that it was unlikely anyone would find them. The meadow was deep in the woods surrounding Sunnydale, not marked on any map and the only road to it was a tiny dirt track. She and Xander sat or lay on a rug at a safe distance from the two sparring partners with a cooler of food and drink and enjoyed the sunshine while Buffy and Giles worked.

"So, Will," Xander began, lying back in the sun with his eyes shut.

"Mmmm?" Willow muttered vaguely. She was also lying on the rug but she was more preoccupied with watching the two sparring partners. Strictly for research purposes, she told herself sternly. After all, who knew when she would need to use some of those skills? A tiny part of her mind giggled and asked her who she was fooling but she pushed it into a dark corner and stopped listening.

"So . . . Will," Xander began again.

"Mmm?"

"So . . . you and Tara. She's not really what I would have picked out as your type."

"Mmm?"

"Well, I mean she's pretty . . . and she's a witch . . . but I thought you might have gone for a more . . . outgoing type. Speaking just in the hypothetical, if I had just theoretically maybe pondered on what type of girl you'd go for if you were that way inclined. Not to imply that I had thought of you that way ever before - because I haven't - just in the conjectural off-chance that I might have possibly wondered what type of girl you'd chose. Theoretically."

"Mmm."

Xander turned to regard his friend, somewhat surprised that she had said nothing in response to his jabbering. "Will?"

"Mmm."

"So, are you really going to Barbados with Tara for the summer?"

"Mmm."

"There's a demon over there with purple spots and flashing pink horns."

"That's nice."

"I'm planning to buy a motorbike, take Anya and run away to Vegas to get married."

"Have fun."

Xander sat up, looked at Willow, followed what her eyes were watching so intently and then looked down at her again. A thought began to form in his head. "On second thought, maybe I'll take Buffy."

"Huh?" Willow struggled up and rested on her elbows, a pale blush slowly creeping up her face. "What are you talking about?"

"Aha! I knew it!" Xander crowed.

"You knew what?"

"I'm not sure . . . oh wait, it's all coming together . . . I knew Tara wasn't really your type! You weren't paying the slightest bit of attention to what I was saying."

"I-I was," Willow stuttered, blush becoming pinker.

"So what did I say?"

"Well . . . you, uh, talked about . . . uh, a demon? . . . and something about Anya . . . taking Buffy somewhere . . . maybe, and . . ."

"My friend, take it from one who knows - it's difficult to pay attention to what's going on around you when you're ogling Buffy."

Willow blushed even brighter and looked outraged. "I was not ogling Buffy!"

Xander kept silent but shot her a disbelieving look.

"I wasn't! Yes, there might have been a little watching but I'm her friend and she needs to, uh, have someone watch what she's doing and . . . report any weaknesses." Willow lay back again, pleased with her logic.

Xander, however, was not easily fooled. Or at least, he was not easily fooled this time. "Willow, come on. We've been friends forever - I know when you're lying. You don't lie well. You may well be lying to yourself, but you can't to me. You are having more than friendly feelings for Buffy."

"Xander - hush!" she said, turning to him and putting finger against his lips. "She could hear you."

"Unlikely, considering she's just dumping Giles on the ground again. Ouch, that must have hurt."

The redheaded witch glared at her friend. Then she rolled over and shut her eyes. "I don't want to talk about it."

Xander grinned. "You only try to avoid the issue when I'm right."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Could you be quiet now? I don't want to talk about it."

The teenager suddenly stilled, and a strangely serious look appeared on his face. Considering how rarely he was serious the look was more unexpected than normal. "You don't just have more than friendly feelings for her, do you?" he asked slowly. "You're in love with her."

Willow was silent for a long time and he was almost afraid that he had just ruined their friendship by pressing too hard. But finally she spoke, "Maybe. A little . . . a lot."

She stood abruptly and walked towards the trees. Xander paused for a second and then followed her.

"Will, I'm sorry," he said when they reached what she evidently considered a safe distance. "You know me - I shoot my mouth off all the time about things I don't understand. And shouldn't. I just think that pretending you don't feel that way will be worse for you in the long run. You can tell me - who will understand crush on Buffy better than your old friend Xander?"

Willow leaned against a tree and avoided his eyes. "But you can't understand. She's my best friend and she should be able to trust me completely. Instead I'm betraying her trust by having more than friendly feelings for her and it's wrong. With you, it was kind of expected. It would probably have been stranger if you hadn't . . ."

"Lusted after her for three years?" Xander finished with a grin.

"Yeah, exactly. But with me . . . I'm meant to be the one she can trust absolutely. I'm meant to be there for her whenever she needs me so she can tell me anything. I'm not meant to be having wrong thoughts about her. She'd be disgusted . . . I'm disgusted with myself . . . it's just one whole big, disgusted thing. I'm a bad, bad person. I love Tara, but I love Buffy and I still love Oz a little. I'm bad. I'm a bad, evil person."

"Will, we've been fighting evil for four years. I'd know if you were evil. You're just human."

"I'm a bad human."

Xander moved to stand next to the redheaded witch and put a friendly arm around her shoulder. "You're not bad. You just have a greater ability to love than most people do. Take it from one who knows - it's easy to be a little in love with more than one person. You have to decide whether you want to be with Tara, who I'm sure you love, or not. I can't tell you how Buffy feels but I know she wouldn't be disgusted with you if she found out how you feel."

"You think?"

"I know. If you don't want to be with Tara - don't. If you want to be with Buffy - tell her. If you decide to stay with Tara - stay. But you're not a bad person. You're just human."

Willow was silent for a long time and Xander began to worry that she was angry with him and he was standing within spell range. "Thanks," she said at last. "I knew there was a reason I kept you around."

"Aww, shucks, you'll make me blush with your overflowing praise," he teased, glad to get onto a lighter tone.

Willow began to walk back to the meadow. "I don't want you to get a swelled head. Anya wouldn't be happy if you couldn't walk through doors anymore."

They arrived back at the rug just as Giles and Buffy were finishing their workout. Xander immediately began to investigate the contents of the picnic while Willow handed the Slayer a towel and a bottle of water.

"Where did you guys go?" Buffy asked as she accepted the bottle. "You looked like you were arguing."

"We, uh, went for a walk and we weren't arguing," Willow protested at the same time as Xander said, "We were debating the relative merits of Cheesy chips versus Doritos."

There was silence for a moment and then Xander said nervously, "See? We can't even agree on what we were arguing about."


	9. Chapter 9

Buffy was making sandwiches as the phone rang and she picked it up absently as she cut them.

"Hello," she greeted, expecting to hear Willow's friendly voice at the other end.

"Hello?"

The voice was Riley's, not Willow's, she felt a long moment of bitter disappointment before she recovered. Over the past few weeks she had spoken to her friend several times each day, in addition to the time they spent together, and all the contact had reinforced how much she had missed that over the past year.

"Buffy? Hello?" Riley repeated.

"Oh, uh, hi. Hi. How are you?" Buffy asked, wiping her hands on a tea towel.

"I'm good," he replied hesitantly. "And you?"

"Oh, great. I've been hanging out with the Gang, averting the apocalypse - you know, summer break stuff."

"That's good."

There was a long pause and Buffy took the opportunity to eat part of her sandwich.

"Buffy?"

"Still here," she replied, her voice muffled slightly by the mouthful of food.

"I . . . we need to talk."

"Isn't that what we're doing? I'm at one end of the line, you're at the other - it leads to talking."

"Yeah."

There was another long pause. "Look, Riley, whatever it is you can tell me."

"Pardon?"

"Well, there's obviously something wrong or you wouldn't be calling me, stuttering and acting nervous when you could be out doing farm stuff."

"Right."

"So, spit it out. Not literally spit, but . . . talk to me?"

"Ok." There was another pause before Riley said quietly. "The truth is . . . the truth is I'm not coming back to Sunnydale. I've had a lot of time to think and I can't cope with it. All the things that you see as just another part of your life . . . the magic . . . the demons . . . all of it . . . it's not something I ever wanted to cope with and it's not something I can cope with. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? All of that - it's a part of my life and I thought you wanted to be a part of it. A part of me."

"Buffy, I wasn't raised to fight it-"

"Neither was I. Neither was Willow, or Xander, but they are a part of it."

"And I can't be. I'm sorry."

"So, that's it? You're just not coming back."

"It's easier this way."

"Easier for who?"

"Both of us. I belong here and you belong there. We come from different worlds and I can't try to pretend that I fit with you anymore."

"Would it make any difference if I said I'd give up the Slaying and come to Iowa for you?"

She heard a deep sigh on the telephone. "We both know that would be wrong. You are the Slayer and to stop that would be to deny who you are."

"When did you get so wise?"

"It's amazing what several weeks of staring into the sky or over corn fields does for a person."

"So, there's no chance you could come back? No, silly question." Buffy smiled sadly. "You've made up your mind. I'll miss you though."

"I'll miss you too." There was another long pause. "We could still talk every now and again. You know, as friends?"

The Slayer smiled wryly. "That never seems to work out. Going back - never pretty."

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are. I'm sorry too. I thought we could work."

"We both know we could not have worked out in the long-term. You need someone who understands you and I'm not that person."

"You could have been."

"I couldn't. There's someone out there who is, but it's not me."

Buffy spent a moment deep in thought and then she said, "You'll be ok?"

"I'm getting there."

"I never wanted it to end up this way. I'm sorry if you were hurt in all this."

She heard a chuckle along the telephone wire. "It's not your fault. If it's anyone's, it's mine for getting into the military to start with. You simply showed me that not everything is black and white. It's something everyone has to deal with eventually."

"I guess."

"Take care of yourself, and your friends. You're all a lot braver than I am."

"You're braver than you know."

"Goodbye."

Buffy held the phone to her ear, despite the disconnected tone shrilling from it, for a long moment before she put it down. "Good bye Riley."

She allowed a few tears to fall before wiping them away. The telephone rang again just as she picked up her sandwich.

"Hello?"

"Hey Buff," said Willow's cheerful voice. "What are you up to?"

"Oh, this and that. I've made a mountain of sandwiches. Do you want to help me eat them?"

"Sure. Give me fifteen minutes."

"Great."

Buffy grinned and began making more sandwiches, her heart suddenly lighter than it had been for a long time. As soon as Riley had told her he was going home she had known that this conversation was going to take place, and now that it had she felt refreshed and eager to see what the future held. And who.


	10. Chapter 10

"This is . . . fun," Willow said nervously. "How far down do we have to go?"

The young witch was following Buffy down a long, dark tunnel under a hill just outside Sunnydale. Giles had tracked a nest of slime-demons to the hill and the two girls were going in to flush them out. The plan had seemed like a great one; Giles and Xander were waiting topside to get any that managed to get past the Slayer while Willow was going in do a freezing spell on them that would render most of the demons immobile. There had just been one part that the Watcher glossed over - the dark dankness of the tunnel.

"Giles said the tunnel widens out after a hundred feet and leads into the cavern where the slime-demons are," Buffy answered quietly.

"Oh, great."

Buffy held her lantern a little higher, trying to see down the tunnel. "Does that look like a dead-end to you?"

Willow squinted down to where Buffy was pointing. "Yup. See all the rock? I'd recognise a dead-end anywhere."

"I'm going to kill Giles," the Slayer fumed. "Wild-goose chases in dark caves are not my idea of a fun Friday night."

"Maybe it's a false wall," Willow suggested. "Or an illusion."

The two girls cautiously approached the stone wall. Buffy held up her lamp and Willow beamed her flashlight at over the stone, but it was a dead-end. A **solid** dead-end as Willow discovered when she carefully tapped the stone. Buffy listened a moment and then tapped it harder.

"Do you hear that? The rock's really thin. If I just do this . . ."

Buffy moved back, spun and gave the wall a powerful roundhouse kick.

"Maybe that wasn't such a good idea," she said after a moment as an ominous rumbling started.

"Ya think?" Willow said sarcastically.

"Ok, plan B. Run!"

The ominous rumbling followed them as they ran back down the tunnel, frequently stumbling and nearly falling over rocks hidden in the dark. A thundering crash suddenly echoed through the cave and Buffy glanced back in time to see a large chunk of the roof behind them tumble to the floor. At that moment Willow tripped on another rock and fell. Buffy stopped and ran back to her.

"Will? Are you ok?"

"I think my ankle's sprained," Willow said, her face contorted in pain.

"We have to get out of here. The whole tunnel is going to go."

Willow nodded and allowed Buffy put an arm around her waist to try to get her standing. The Slayer could hear her friend mumbling "ow, ow, ow," as she did so, but there wasn't time to let her rest.

"On three," she commanded. "One, two, three!"

Buffy heaved and Willow pushed with her good foot. They were almost up when the roof above them began to groan threateningly. 

"Come on!" Buff grunted, trying to get more leverage on her friend. "We have to get you out!"

She managed to drag Willow a few feet before the roof gave way and began falling around them. Something hit her head and she fell, dragging Willow down with her. Automatically she rolled so that her body was protecting the witch from the falling rocks. The air around her suddenly lit up with purple light, forming a tiny dome around them, and she looked down to see Willow muttering under breath.

Masonry continued to fall around them for several minutes but the purple dome of light seemed to stop it actually falling onto them. Slowly the noise died down until all that could be heard was the creaking and groaning of the rock settling around them and the occasional skittering sound as a small stone fell.

"Will, are you ok?" Buffy asked, looking down into her friend's face, which was tantalisingly close.

Willow nodded and her eyes rolled up into her head as she lost consciousness.

The purple dome that had been protecting them flickered and dissipated. Without its support the rocks above them shifted and several small stones rained down on them, most falling harmlessly on Buffy's back but one smacking Willow's temple. Buffy waited a few moments, hardly daring to breath, but most of the stone above her seemed stable despite the loud creaks echoing through their small hollow.

"Will?" she breathed.

The redhead did not answer.

"Ok, I'm probably squishing you so I'll move now," Buffy said, despite how comforting it was to be so close to her.

She wriggled around, ignoring how appealing the curves beneath her felt, and managed to position herself so she was half propped up with Willow cushioned against her chest. The redheaded hacker had her head resting on Buffy's shoulder and for a long moment the Slayer simply sat there, softly stroking her hair.

"I bet Giles and Xander are wondering what happened to us," Buffy said to break the oppressive silence. "They probably heard the crash and then a big puff of dust came out, like it does on cartoons? Yeah, they'll be getting help right about now so we just have to sit tight until they come.

"We've been in worst spots over the years. Remember Malcolm? I thought we were fried that time. And Adam came really close to ending my career."

Silence.

"That bump is going to leave a nasty bruise, Will. I guess the next time I do the body shield routine I should position myself better, huh? Good thing your parents are out of town - we'd have a hard time explaining that one.

"Thinking of . . . what did you tell your parents about the time you ended up in hospital? I'm sorry I wasn't there for you then. I should have been . . . I watched you all, that morning. I watched you all standing around - you were in your wheelchair - and I wanted to go to you **so** much. But I couldn't. I was a mess. So I took off and tried to start over. But there wasn't an hour that went by when I didn't think about you. When I didn't wonder how you were and wish I could be there. I'm sorry - I should have been stronger, like you.

"Nothing seems to faze you anymore, does it? I mean sure, you get upset about things and you get hurt, but you're not afraid to stand up for what you believe in anymore. I wish I could be more like that. You fell . . . you fell in love with Tara and when Oz came back it wasn't about you being afraid of that . . . it was about you being torn between two people. Tara being a woman never came up - you were simply deciding between two people you cared about very deeply.

"Whereas I . . . I'm too afraid to tell the person I love more than anything how I feel."

Silence, broken only by the occasional falling stone.

"God, I can't even say it when you're unconscious."


	11. Chapter 11

"Nothing seems to faze you anymore, does it? I mean sure, you get upset about things and you get hurt, but you're not afraid to stand up for what you believe in anymore. I wish I could be more like that. You fell . . . you fell in love with Tara and when Oz came back it wasn't about you being afraid of that . . . it was about you being torn between two people. Tara being a woman never came up - you were simply deciding between two people you cared about very deeply"

_'But I do get afraid!'_ Willow wanted to shout, but she was groggily aware that something felt wrong and she couldn't get the words out. _'I was so afraid that you'd freak about Tara, and I didn't want you to!'_

"Whereas I . . . I'm too afraid to tell the person I love more than anything how I feel."

_'I though you broke up with Riley?'_

"God, I can't even say it when you're unconscious."

_'Huh?'_

"Will, I love you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes, only I was too blind to realise it. And now I'm too afraid because . . . you're with Tara . . . and you're happy. I can't interfere. I love you, but I don't want to be rejected again. It's crazy, huh, that I can only say this when you haven't got a chance to hear me."

_'Wait, I can hear you. I can't talk, but I can hear. I love you Buffy. It would be so much easier if I could figure out telepathy. Actually, it wouldn't. But you know what I mean . . .'_

Slowly, everything faded to black again.

***

"Will, honey, come on. Please wake up. I can't do this without you. Please?"

Buffy sat in silence for a while and listened to the sound of the occasional falling rock or creak from the stone piled over her.

"Well, this isn't how I planned to spend Friday night. I had a movie rented and I thought we could order in pizza. Ooh, that was not a good thing to think. How long ago was lunch? Right about now we should be rescuing the food from Xander and watching the opening credits to a chick flick while Anya and Giles make fun of it. 

"They'll find us. We aren't that hard to find - just look for the big pile of rocks and we're under it."

Buffy was silent again. A distant tapping sound came, different to the rocks falling, and then the faint sound of voices.

"Will, do you hear that? We're being rescued."

The faint voice came again and she recognised Giles' voice calling her name.

"We're in here!" she yelled, as loudly as she could.

"Buffy? Is that you?" Giles shouted, the voice sounding closer.

"Who else would be in here? Martha Stewart?"

"Well . . ."

"Let me handle this," Xander said, his voice sounding almost as though he was sitting next to her. "Buff, are you ok? We're going to get you out but the firemen have to make sure nothing else will fall first."

"I'm fine, but Willow got hit in the head. She's unconscious. Could you hurry it up out there?"

"We're hurrying as much as we can."

"Can't you hurry faster? This is a really small place and I don't do small places well."

She heard the low rumble of voices and then Xander said, "They think it'll be another half hour. Can you hang in there until then?"

"I'll try."

***

An hour later the rescuers finally broke through the stony prison and released the two trapped girls. Willow had begun to stir as the last of the rocks were pulled away, although she was still groggy, and Buffy hovered near her as the paramedics worked on her. They both had to go to the hospital to be checked out and during the ride over the Slayer sat beside Willow and quietly held her hand.

It took the combined efforts of Giles, Xander and Joyce to get her to leave the young witch and be examined by the doctor and by the time he was finished Willow had already been sent up to a bed for overnight observation.

Buffy crept into the room and watched Willow sleep for a while before curling up in a chair in the corner. A nurse found her there, asleep, and took pity on her. She found a spare blanket and tucked it carefully around the blonde girl, and then closed the door gently behind her.

***

"Buffy?"

A pause.

"Buff? Are you awake?"

No movement - not even a twitch.

"You look really uncomfortable."

Still nothing.

"Buffy?"

Finally the Slayer stirred and looked at Willow sleepily.

"You're awake!" the blonde girl exclaimed groggily. "How do you feel?"

"Bit of a headache, but otherwise I'm fine. How are you? That chair doesn't look too comfortable to sleep in."

Buffy moved and groaned. "It's probably even less comfortable than it looks."

"You didn't have to stay, you know."

The Slayer gingerly stood and stretched, wincing at her stiff muscles. "I wanted to. You looked so pale last night . . . and I don't think your parents are coming back so I could hardly leave you alone, could I?"

"Thanks." Willow scooted over a little and patted the side of the bed. "Come on, this thing is plenty wide enough."

Buffy grinned and gratefully sat down. "Do you want me to get a nurse? You could probably get something for your head."

"Nah, I'll cope."

"Are you sure? I mean, head injuries can be really bad and you were out for a long time . . ."

"Buffy, I'm sure." Willow paused and tried to work out what she wanted to say next. "That rock fall was pretty-"

"Stupid?"

"I was going to say scary, but that works just as well." She smiled wryly to show Buffy she did not mean it.

"I'm sorry Will. I should have known better. I didn't think that one kick would bring down half the hillside. I didn't think at all."

"Buffy, how could you have known? I didn't think that little bitty rock was all that was holding the tunnel up. I probably would have stopped you if I had."

"Stop being all reasonable. I almost got you killed so I have to feel guilty."

Willow shook her head at her friend's stubbornness. "You're crazy, you know that?"

"Uh huh."

They sat in companionable silence for a moment before Buffy began shifting uncomfortably.

Willow gestured to the empty space next to her. "You could sort of . . . uh, lie next to me? I'm sure the pillows would prop you up much more comfortably than you're sitting now."

Buffy carefully wriggled up so she was propped against the pillows next to Willow and smiled as her abused muscles began to relax. "Thanks Will."

"No problem." Willow paused. "Did you mean what you said last night?"

The Slayer froze, her heart suddenly feeling as though it was choking her. "Last night?"

"While we were trapped. You said . . . you said you love me. Is it true?"


	12. Chapter 12

"Huh?"

"Do you love me?" Willow repeated.

"I . . . how . . . I didn't know you could hear me."

"I was drifting a lot," the witch explained, and then pinned her friend with determined green eyes. "But you can't expect to say something like that and then expect me to forget it. Do you love me?"

"I've tried not to, but I can't."

There was silence for a moment and Buffy risked a peek at her friend. Willow didn't look disgusted, simply confused.

"I'm sorry Will. I know this is the worst timing possible, and if I had known you could hear me I would never have said anything."

Still the redhead said nothing.

"I'll . . . I'll get over it. Eventually. You don't need to say anything and I know you don't feel the same way-"

"I do," Willow cut her off. "That's the problem. It would be so much easier if I didn't, but I do. I love you so much."

"Will, you don't have to say that."

"I know. I'm saying it because I'm being honest. And it's time."

"Time?"

"Time that I stopped hiding myself and became the person you think I am. I'm not brave, or fearless . . . I don't have any more confidence than I had when you first met me. It's just that I know what's out there, and what could happed to me, and I'm more afraid of dying unhappy than I am of what people think of me. If that comes out as bravery, then so be it. You taught me so much about living each day as if it could be my last because it really could, so now I have to live that."

"I don't . . ."

Willow smiled gently. "I know. I'm confused too. I love you so much, but I also love Tara. Xander said-"

"Xander?"

"Yeah. He said that I have to decide who I love more because if I don't I'll just end up hurting all of us. Well, he didn't say exactly that but it was what he meant."

"Xander?"

"You're not getting past that any time soon, are you?"

"Xander?"

"Buff, are you ok?"

"Xander?"

Willow looked at Buffy, taking in the wide-eyed look of shock on her face, and grinned. "Yeah, Xander. You know, I think Anya's widened his mind a bit. She might even be good for him, even if she is a bit . . . uber-Cordeliaish."

"Xander?"

"Uh, Buff, could you focus a bit? Please?"

"Sorry Will, but Xander?"

"Focus?"

"Ok."

Buffy took a deep breath and glanced to the side to see Willow looking at her, concerned, but with warmth in her eyes. Warmth that had, she now realised, been there all along but she had been too blinded by her own fears to see it.

"Why did you wait so long?" Willow asked.

The Slayer took a moment to sort her thoughts out before she began. "I didn't know at first. I just knew I really wanted you as a friend. You seemed kind and loyal, and that was something I didn't have back in LA. All my old friends made tracks as fast as they could when I stopped being the old Buffy, but you seemed to genuinely like me."

"I do."

"Thanks. Anyway, then you got caught up in your crush on Xander, and then there was Oz, and I figured that you'd be icked out if I told you how I was feeling. It seemed like the ultimate betrayal. You're my best friend, you trust me, and I'm having feelings for you that I shouldn't."

"Been there; not a nice place."

"And then there was Tara and I realised that I'd missed my chance with you. The day you told me all I could think was what and idiot I'd been."

"I'm sorry Buffy."

"It's not your fault. I should have said something sooner. Now it's too late."

"It doesn't have to be."

"It doesn't?"

"No, it doesn't. If you don't want it to be."

"But . . . what about Tara? You love her - I can't take you away from that."

Willow looked down at the blanket and began picking at it distractedly. "I don't know."

Turning to her, Buffy took her courage in her hands and gently placed a finger under Willow's chin. "Will," she said, trying to lift her friend's face so she could see into her eyes, "look at me. Please?"

The redhead allowed Buffy to lift her chin and looked at her, confused green eyes meeting sad blue ones.

"I love you," Buffy said softly. "But I don't want you to do something you're not sure about. If you left Tara to be with me and discovered that it wasn't what you really wanted I would never forgive myself. I can force myself to forget that we ever had this conversation if you want me to - it's your decision. We can't decide something like this in the aftermath of a scary thing like being trapped in a cave. This has to be a rational, calm decision unlike all my previous relationships because you mean too much to me to want to ruin our friendship. If we take this further and it doesn't work out I don't want to lose the best friend I've ever had. So we need to think."

"Buffy," Willow whispered.

The Slayer suddenly realised what a dangerous position she was in, so close to the girl she loved that she could feel her warm breath on her cheek.

"Willow, I . . ."

She trailed off as she realised that Willow's eyes, usually so cool and green, were now darkening as she watched. Very slowly, so slowly she was not even sure she was doing it, she began to move towards the other girl. With a slight shock, Buffy realised that Willow was also moving towards her.

"Buffy," Willow whispered again, her breath warming Buffy's lips.

A loud knock sounded at the door and it opened immediately.

Buffy somehow managed to be standing several feet away from the bed before the nurse came into the room.

"Oh, good, you're awake," the short, tubby nurse said cheerfully. "That's good to see. The doctor will be round soon to check on you and then you can have some breakfast. If your tests come back fine you'll probably be leaving here soon."

"Thanks," Willow said absently, watching Buffy. "Buffy, I-"

"You know, I have to go and check in with mom. She's probably wondering what happened to me by now."

"Buffy-"

"I need to think - you need to think. I'll call you."

Willow watched in shock as the blonde girl bolted through the door without looking at her.


	13. Chapter 13

Joyce leaned against the doorjamb and watched her daughter. It had been over a week since the cave-in and the weather reflected Buffy's mood. For the past few days Sunnydale had been having one of its periodic storms and the blonde girl had spent all her time curled up on a wide windowsill upstairs watching the rain splatter against the window. For the first time since she found out about Buffy's destiny, Joyce was truly worried about her. She barely ate, she barely talked and she had not seen any of her friends since she came home from the hospital. Even Giles was worrying and had asked her to see if she could find out what was wrong.

"Honey?" she said quietly.

There was no answer.

"Buffy, what's wrong?" Joyce tried again.

Buffy stirred slightly. "Nothing mom."

"There's something wrong. You can't hide that from me."

"There's . . . I'm fine."

"Sweetheart, I'm worried about you. Everyone's worried about you. Mr Giles even offered buy you ice-cream."

Buffy smiled slightly but did not stop watching the rain.

"Please Buffy? Talk to me?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"So there is something wrong."

"Nothing that talking will fix. I just have to wait."

Joyce ventured into the room. "Maybe if you talked about it you'd feel better."

The Slayer smiled sadly. "I don't think so."

"Try it."

"You wouldn't understand."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Just . . . trust me, you wouldn't understand."

Joyce leaned against the wall and smiled down at her daughter. "Maybe I don't need to understand in order to listen."

There was no response.

"Honey, I can see that whatever is wrong is eating you up inside. You're not eating, you haven't seen your friends," Buffy winced, "and Mr Giles says that you haven't been to him for training since the cave-in. Please talk to me. Even if I don't understand, sometimes just getting whatever-it-is off your chest can help."

Buffy said nothing for a long time and Joyce began to give up.

"Have you ever said something that could change everything in your life, and then wished you could take it back?"

The question was asked so quietly that Joyce almost missed it.

"Have you ever wished that you could replay time so that you didn't do something that could turn out to be a disaster? And have you ever done something that will probably end up with you being alone for the rest of your life?"

"Buffy, you're talking to a divorcee; of course I have."

The Slayer turned her tear-streaked face towards her mother and the older woman sat down and hugged her. 

"Did you feel like your world might end when you did?" Buffy asked, her voice slightly muffled against Joyce's shoulder.

"Not really. I felt more as though my world was about to start again." Joyce paused and began gently stroking her daughter's hair. "I guess if that's the problem I don't understand. But I can listen. What happened?"

This time the silence went on so long she was sure Buffy was not going to answer.

"I told someone I loved them."

"And?"

"Sh-They love me."

"The problem is?"

"They're involved with someone else."

"Ah."

"She wasn't even suppose to hear! Now everything's messed up and it's all my fault."

Joyce caught the word Buffy probably did not mean to say but sensed that now was not the time for **that** discussion. "What's messed up?"

"Sh-They shouldn't leave the person they're with for me - I'm not worth it. You only have to look at my track record to see that. Me and relationships always equals disaster, and I don't want to lose the best friend I have through my selfishness and stupidity."

Slowly, Joyce managed to work out what had happened and hear what her daughter was not saying. Her heart broke at the despair she read in Buffy's eyes. "What did you do?"

"I said we needed to think . . . and then I ran. She hasn't called so I guess that's it."

"Maybe she's waiting for you to call," Joyce suggested.

Buffy shrugged her mother's arms away and Joyce stood up. "It would be better if she forgot I ever said anything. I'll get over this eventually and sh-they really do love the other person."

"Buffy, sometimes I really do despair of you. Have you considered that maybe this person you say you love really does love you and they're afraid that you don't really want them? You can't go through life afraid of your own feelings just because you've had a couple of bad experiences."

Buffy turned back to watch the rain through the window.

"Sometimes the noble thing to do isn't the right thing to do. Sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of someone else may seem noble and good, but if you're actually stopping this other person being as happy as she could be as well . . . well, it may not be the best thing after all."

There was still no response from the blonde girl and with a sigh Joyce decided that she had done as much as she could. She quietly left the room without looking back; she knew that Buffy would probably not even notice she had gone, she was so sunk into her misery.

Downstairs, Joyce hesitated a moment before she picked up the telephone and dialled a number. It was answered after a couple of rings and she took a deep breath before saying, "Could I speak to Willow Rosenburg?"


	14. Chapter 14

Willow sat on the floor beside her French windows watching the rain stream down the glass. She had always found that she thought better like this, although right now the thoughts just ran around her head in a never ending circle. She loved Tara, but she loved Buffy, and she would hurt one of them no matter what she did. So who should she choose? With Oz, in the end, the decision had been taken out of her hands. Choosing Tara had been easy because, realistically, she could not choose Oz and it had been the choice that her heart wanted to make anyway.

Deep down she knew what her heart's choice was, but she hated to hurt people.

The ringing of the telephone startled her out of her thoughts and she stood stiffly, rubbing her back as she walked over to the telephone.

"Hello?" she said, not really sure whether she wanted to answer or not.

"H-hi, uh, is that Willow?" Tara asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, hi," Willow replied, sitting down on her bed.

"Hi. How are you?"

"I'm good. And you?"

"I'm good too." There was a brief silence. "I'm sorry I haven't called. I've been kind of busy and I don't know where the time goes. My folks are keeping me pretty busy here; I think they want to cram in as much time with me as they can."

"It's ok. I've been pretty busy myself, what with being trapped in a cave-in and all."

"You got trapped? Are you ok?"

Willow shrugged even though Tara could not see it through the telephone. "I had a headache where I got hit by a rock but other than that . . . we were pretty lucky. I remembered that force field spell you taught me and Buffy took care of me when the rock fell."

"You were trapped with Buffy?"

Willow was immediately swamped with guilt. "Yeah. I was unconscious most of the time though."

"Oh." There was a pause and Willow could imagine the blonde girl playing with the cuff of her shirt while she worked up the courage to say something. "So you, uh, didn't have time to talk . . . maybe? About . . . stuff?"

"Not really. I was mostly out of it."

"Oh." Tara sounded almost disappointed.

"What did you want us to talk about?"

"I don't know. Things. Maybe you, uh, there were . . . feelings?"

"Feelings?" The guilt became stronger.

"Uh, yeah . . . uh, heart-to-heart, maybe talking about, uh, feelings? B-between you?"

"Tara, what are you tying to ask?" Now the guilt was almost like a physical presence in the room.

"I-I-I . . . d-did Buffy mention anything about, uh, kind of, loving you?"

Willow felt as though her heart had stopped. She could not breathe and she stared wildly at the telephone for a moment.

"H-hello? Willow? Are you still there?"

Tara's voice shook her out of her shock. "Yeah, I'm still here. I'm just a little surprised."

"Oh. So she didn't . . . Willow, I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. She did mention . . . something. And it's been all I can think about for the past week."

There was silence at the other end of the line.

"I'm just so confused right now," Willow said. "This is worse than when Oz came back! I don't want to hurt anyone - I never wanted to hurt anyone - but no matter what I do I'll be hurting two people that I love. I kind of had my decision made for me with Oz, and I was really happy about it, but now nothing is going to make my decision for me and I'm terrible at deciding. I have to have rocky road and toffee fudge ice-cream at the same time because I can't even decide about that!"

"So, you love her?"

"You see, there's my problem. I love her but I'm not sure whether she's going to let me love her. And you're . . . well, you're you and that just makes it all harder."

She was not even aware of the tears streaming down her face now. "I don't want to lose you, but I know that I'll lose someone whatever I do."

"Willow, I'll always be here," Tara said softly. "No matter what happens, I could never hate you and if you want to be with Buffy you should. I'll always want to be your friend."

The redheaded witch wiped away a tear. "Thanks. It's just so hard to know what to do. Normally I'd go and talk to Buffy but she isn't really the right person to talk to right now."

"She's your best friend; it's only natural that you'd want to talk to her."

"But it kind of leaves me with no one."

"There's me. I'm always here."

Somehow, through her tears, Willow managed to smile. "I think you'd be biased."

"I wasn't with Oz. I mean, sure, I hoped but you needed someone to talk to and I tried to be that person." Tara paused. "You have to follow your heart, Willow."

"That would be good advice if I knew what my heart wanted."

"You do, but you're fighting it."

Willow thought for a moment. "Maybe I am," she allowed eventually, "but is following my heart going to be the best plan? It will hurt people-"

"It will hurt you more if you don't," cut in Tara. "I've always known that if it came down to a choice between me and Buffy you'd chose her. It's ok; all I ever wanted is for you to be happy. You deserve the best and I think that when she loves it's with all her heart.

"You . . . don't mind?"

"I-It's not like that, but I think you deserve to be with the one you love most. And I know that's B-Buffy."

"Tara," Willow whispered sadly.

"Don't feel sorry - I'll get over it. We're still friends though, right?"

"We'll always be friends."

"Good."

Willow paused awkwardly. "I'm not really sure what to say now."

"Do you know what you're going to say to Buffy?"

"Not really. Knowing her I'll have to talk her out of her huge bout of guilt and self-pity before I can even start trying to talk her into believing a relationship can work."

"You'll do it."

"You think?"

"I know."

"Tara, I'm sorry-"

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Willow heard a distant shout through the telephone. "I have to go. Let me know how things go with Buffy?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'll, uh, maybe see you at college?"

"I'd like that. Bye Tara."

"Good bye."

The line went dead and Willow carefully turned the telephone off before lying back on her bed with the receiver of her stomach. Somehow, she had known she was going to make that decision all the time. It just took Tara to prod her in the right direction. And that was probably the strangest part of all.

The telephone rang and Willow almost jumped off the bed. Taking a deep breath to calm herself she shakily lifted the telephone and answered it.

"Hello? Oh, hi Mrs Summers."


	15. Chapter 15

Willow paused in the doorway and watched Buffy for a few minutes. The blonde Slayer did not acknowledge her presence, instead continuing to watch the rain stream down the window. She looked ill; her face was drawn and pale, and there were black circles beneath her eyes. She sat on the window ledge with her legs drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around herself, curled up as though nothing could warm her. Willow cleared her throat and Buffy jumped.

As she walked across the room Willow could feel Buffy's eyes following her, and the Slayer shifted slightly as she sat down on the other end of the window ledge. For a moment Willow studied her intently while the blonde girl turned her face back to the window.

"Hi," she said eventually.

"Hi," Buffy whispered.

"Your mom called me."

"Mom?"

"Yeah. She's worried about you. You're not eating, you're not sleeping, you've cried a lot - that worries parents. She was hoping you'd talk to me and I could, maybe, help."

"Oh."

"Thing is, I don't think I can."

"You can't?" Buffy's face fell.

Willow shook her head. "No. You have to help yourself. You have to stop feeling guilty for having feelings and emotions. You have to stop beating yourself up about something you can't control. And most of all - you have to start believing in yourself."

"I'm not sure I can."

"You can. I'll be there to help you."

Buffy finally looked straight at her. "You don't have to."

"I want to."

"What about Tara?"

"She's smarter than us," Willow grinned. "She told me to go to you."

"She did?"

"Uh-huh. You know why? She thinks that I'll love you more than I could ever love her and you'll love me more than she could. And I think she's right."

Buffy dropped her eyes to her demin-clad knees. "I don't."

"What do you mean?"

"Will, look at my track record." Buffy raised her head and Willow could see the pain in her eyes. "I'll only end up hurting you and losing the best friend I could ever have. I stuff up so easily and I don't want to do that to you as well. I don't ever want to lose you."

"Buffy, you could never lose me. And I know you'd never deliberately hurt me."

"But look at all the times I've undeliberately hurt you."

Willow took a moment to work out the invented word and then said, "Everyone accidentally hurts people. You can't help it - it's what comes with being human. I'm partially to blame for the times you've hurt me - I allowed things to bottle up and fester and that's when it all begins to really hurt. I can promise, though, to always tell you if you've hurt me and why."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I love you."

"Despite what I've done?"

"Despite everything. I love you and I happen to think that we could be really happy together if you'd let us."

"And if we aren't?"

"Not gonna happen. We're best friends, right?" Buffy nodded. "Well that gives us a head start already. We've been through a lot together and we're still best friends so that means we already have a strong relationship. This will just be adding a new element to that relationship."

"It will changed everything though."

"Maybe it should be changed. Not all change is bad, you know."

"You're really certain about this, aren't you?"

"I've never been so certain of anything in my life. I love you, you love me, and I want to be with you. If you're too afraid of that then you'll be denying both of us something that could be wonderful through of fear, not nobility."

"I want to believe you."

"Try it."

"It's just so hard."

"I'm here - I'll always be here with you."

Buffy reached out a hand, hesitantly, and Willow grasped it tightly. "If you trust me, you'll believe me when I say I could never leave you so you're stuck with me."

Taking a deep breath, Buffy looked up and met Willow's eyes. "I trust you. And I love you. I . . . I want to be with you."

Willow's smile was so bright it was almost blinding. "I hoped you did."

Buffy uncurled a little so that she could shift herself closer to the redheaded witch. "You mean you weren't sure?"

"Oh, I'm sure of how I feel, and how you feel, I just wasn't sure that I could talk you out of the guilt that I figured you were probably beating yourself up with."

The Slayer flushed guiltily. "You know me that well, huh?"

"Well, yeah."

"It feels good that you know me that well."

"Just promise me one thing?"

"Anything."

"You might want to hear what it is first," Willow said, smiling. "Promise that no matter what happens, you'll always talk to me. You won't let things fester and you won't make sudden decisions without talking to me first."

"You really do know me too well."

"So, you promise?"

Buffy nodded. "I promise. I'll talk things through with you and anytime I get scared or worried about our relationship, I'll go to you. But only if you promise the same."

"It's a deal."

There was silence for a moment and Buffy tugged on Willow's hand. "Don't deal usually get sealed with a kiss?"

"It's more common to shake - oh! Oh, yeah. In that case . . ."

"We wouldn't want to break tradition," Buffy murmured, pulling the redheaded girl closer.

"Couldn't have that," Willow agreed, willingly edging closer.

"It might cause all sorts of problems," whispered Buffy, leaning towards her love.

"It would probably jinx us or something." Now Willow was so close she could feel Buffy's breath warming her cheek.

"In that case . . ."

They closed the distance and their lips met in a kiss as sweet as either of them had ever imagined.


End file.
